Flat on My Face, I See What It Takes

I'm now entering the heavy part of my first semester as a PhD student. So far the semester has been a lot f work, but relatively smooth sailing. There have been stressful periods, but my work habits have improved significantly since I was an undergrad student and I've gotten better at planning out my work and (mostly) getting going on things ahead of time.

Now that the major work is starting to come to a head though, it feels like I'm running up against the limits of that. It always feels like there's more work to do than there is time to do it. I know that's not the case, because it will get done one way or another, but it does feel that way. There's some huge dark spectre of yet-to-be-completed academic standing behind me and I'm always looking out at nothing in front of me, trying to acknowledge it without turning around.

It's hard to talk about how much work I have to do without sounding like an entitled shit. "Oh, a PhD student has stressful deadlines? Not shit." I know that, but it feels like there's a stress valve on the side of my neck that needs to be released, or else my hair will start falling out.

The school tells us all to not be too hard on ourselves, to think of mental health strategies, and to take breaks from work so we don't overwork ourselves. But when you take a break, all the work you weren't doing still is sitting there? How do finish all the work that's assigned and take breaks to stay sane when there's already more work assigned than you can finish?

It's starting to feel like old times again, where I'm laughing at the insurmountable mountain of writing and research I have to do and getting pissed at myself for not being able to climb it. When I look back to writing all morning in the Guelph library to finish something due that afternoon, or staying up all night in my office, I think about them fondly, but boy did they ever feel like shit at the time. Maybe I'm subconsciously addicted to this feeling, and that's why I keep doing it.

Trying hard to remember that I always find a way to get things done and they'll turn out okay. Hard to think that way now though.