Thursday, March 15, 2018

This is What Happens When You Fuck a Stranger in the Ass

All of my writing energy has been focused on a zine about ska that I've been working on. It's almost done, which is good! I've also neglected other outlets, like the friendly green confines here, which is bad, I guess, but also expected. The emotions and inspiration that I usually draw upon to make up the backbone of the posts that I'm proud of here are being re-directed towards the zine, so we've been left with spare parts around here lately. If I'm not writing about my thoughts and ~feelings~, I try to take another interest and draw that out, which is why it's been mostly "Baseball Hour" on IMU for the last two months.

Well, that an Opening Day being only 15 days away at this writing!

Anyways, I thought that I would try to give an update on my life to mix things up around here and get me out of my comfort zone.

I should preface what's coming next with this statement:

I am very lucky. I've found someone who is my perfect match and makes me so happy and a better person. We live together and still get along really well. We have a huge, nice dog and small, nice cat (who doesn't have Kidney Disease!). I'm mostly healthy, have an okay job, and can play most blink-182 songs on guitar. I say all of this so that what I follow it with doesn't sound as whine-y and entitled as I worry it does in my head.

The main thing that I have been preoccupied with since September has been preparing and submitting applications to start a PhD in Art History this coming fall. First, I applied to SSHRC, which takes a long time. Then I had meetings. Then an online application. Then letters of reference. Then transcripts. Then letters of intent. Then writing samples. I submitted both applications a week early so that I would like I was very "on top of things". We had a dinner with both Rebecca and I's parents to celebrate me getting the applications off. Then the waiting started.

I felt good about  my chances. I'm coming off a Fellowship at a well-respected art gallery, have good references from former professors, and think my thesis is still okay, which I understand is a rarity among grad students.

Then I heard back from Queen's University that they had turned me down. I wanted to type "rejected" there, but thought that was a little dramatic. I was blindsided by this and felt really bad about it. Rebecca and I had been day-dreaming about how much fun moving to Kingston would be. We could afford to rent a house! A Backyard! Onsite laundry! No more drunk 20-year-olds on Fridays!

This rejection was the first professional obstacle I had run into in a while. I had applied for an MA and gotten it. I was a good T.A. I kept teaching through university. I finished my thesis. I applied for a job and got that. I applied for a better job and got that. As soon as I started that job, my next step became "starting a PhD right after". Since then, I have been building my life around the idea that starting a PhD in 2018 would be my next step towards my eventual job as a university professor. This threw that all for a loop. My life was no longer a direct line ending with me being secure professionally doing what I love and playing a tiger-print Ibanez guitar while Rebecca gazes on adoringly.

I still haven't heard back from the other school I applied to, so nothing is set in stone, but I've to open up my worldview a little bit. I'm in between two eventual outcomes, either starting school or having to find a new job, but not committing to either one. I've had to resign to the fact that some things are out of my control and allow parts of my life to be dictated by forces other than me.

My initial confidence in my chances at the two schools has now faltered and I have no idea what to think. Is it good that I still haven't heard? Does it mean they're waiting to tell me? Does it mean I'm on a waiting list? It's hard to know and it's become a constant, dull stress in my life.

I Could Meet You Where the Shield and the Mountains Collide

I am a man of simple pleasures and I know what I like.

I like breakdowns.





I like palm-muting.




There are certainly worse ways to start your day off than finding two great releases by local bands. It's important for me to remember to stay active in looking for bands and shows that I'll enjoy in Toronto. That shit ain't gonna fall into your lap.