Get My Money, I Don't Give a Fuck What You Say

 When I lived in Toronto, the main thing that I worried about was being 'present'. While working at the art gallery and trying to maintain a schedule of writing, this seemed like an important practice to work into my life that would make me appreciative of the good things around me and help me understand the world. I guess that being present is still important, but it's something that I never think about anymore.

It's hard to prioritize that now. Before COVID hit it was already hard to live in Montreal, as we were far away from friends and family and it tough to deal with our social circle shrinking so fast. Rebecca and I were doing a good job of building up a new network of people in Quebec, but then that was taken out from under us as soon as it was starting to gain momentum.

COVID was easy to deal with at first because it was new. Everyone was experiencing it for the first time and people were supportive and flexible. Now it's gotten old and everyone is settling into a routine around this dumb fucking pandemic, so all the shitty parts of the world are returning in a worse form now that we need to navigate both them and a global virus. Watching TV and staying inside all day was a fun change of pace for me in March, but even I, who loves TV more than almost everything, is willing to admit that this shit has gotten old.

I guess that I'm fortunate to have my thesis to focus on during this, or at least that is the way I'm trying to frame it to have a more positive mindset. On one hand, working through a crucial point of grad school from my office in the back of the apartment and over Zoom has been... weird and I wish that I was able to go to campus and the library and my coffee shop and the fine arts student lounge, but on the other I am genuinely thankful that I have a huge project that I can always work on. It's also comforting to know that if people ask what I've been doing during this pandemic, I can say "my thesis" as an easy answer.

I think what sums up this spring/summer/fall the best is that I've never been closer to picking up smoking in my life. That seems like it would be so nice right now.