The 10 Baseball Players I Hate

At some point last year, one of the baseball sites that I frequent, The Hardball Times, published a story called "The 10 Players I Hate" in which the author listed the players who had tormented his favourite team during his time as a fan. I thought that is was a great idea for an article and provided a funny look at the things that you obsess over as a fan and the minutiae and petty differences that can consume you when you devote a significant amount of your time to something as silly as sports.

I'm deep in the "Lost & Directionless" part of baseball's off-season, where the action of the previous year seems so far away that I can barely remember it and pitchers and catchers reporting, let Spring Training games, are still on another calendar page, so I need something to hold me over and remind me of the weird passion that takes over my brain from April to October.

With that being said, here are the 10 Baseball Players I Hate:

Derek Jeter

If you lived in Toronto, Boston, Baltimore, or St. Petersburg between 1995 and 2015 you could set your watch to Derek Jeter dashing your hopes and dreams as a baseball fan. The only thing worse than the unending parade of sportswriters who were eager to feed Jeter peeled grapes was the fact that he kind of deserved it. Growing up, I despised him and thought it was obvious how much of a dick he was, but it wasn't until I got older that I realized that perspective came from me being sour about Jeter leading the Yankees to elite levels of success and a decent chunk of it coming at the expense of my Blue Jays. I'm now mature enough to admit that Derek Jeter is one baseball's all-time shortstops, but I don't think I'll ever get to a place where I don't hate the fuckin' New York Yankees.

Dustin Pedroia

Much like Jeter, much of my hate for Dustin Pedroia derives from the fact that he played an integral part in the Boston Red Sox dominating the Blue Jays. He still plays a part in that. To truly hate a player, they must be good, and Pedroia has been steadily good for a long time. He was the face of the "hustle" Red Sox teams of the 00's, where a new white guy with a beard seemed to turn up every week. He runs to 1st base after walks and was probably his coach's favourite player on every team he's been on. He has a stupid face and I love when he fails at the sport of baseball. Red Sox fans love believing that their team is still a lovable underdog and Pedroia's dumb-ass playing style is a big part of that. Fuck the Red Sox.

Mark Texeira

Though I have following the Jays for my whole life and going to games for just as long, my high school year were particularly formative in my experience as a baseball because that is when I started to carve out my own place as a Jays fan and establish an identity separate from my parents in following the team. For that reason, the Jays teams of 2003-2010 are especially dear to me because they coincided with that time. They were the teams that Timmy fell in love with, not that the Chandlers fell in love with. Those teams also fucking sucked. You know who are great at beating down shitty Jays teams? The New Yankees. A potent force for them during that time was switch-hitting first baseman and noted jabroni Mark Texeira. New York is apparently allergic to players who don't hit 30 dingers and OBP in the upper 300's. During the 00's, Tex was the latest in a never-ending parade of expensive free agents that led to division titles and for that reason I will always despise him.

Note: On May 12th, 2009, I watched Roy Halladay shutout the Yankees by himself. Texeira went 0-4 with two strikeouts and I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Eric Hosmer

Unsurprisingly, most of the players on this, the pettiest of all lists, come from the Blue Jays' rivals.  The Jays played a heated regular season and then playoff series against the shittiest and dumbest of all loser-ass teams, the Kansas City Royals. In their prime, the Royals were led by first baseman Eric Hosmer who sucks for the following reasons: 

-bad at hitting home runs 

-thinks he's better than he is 

-dumb beard, haircut, and douchey face

-leads dumb team that got the luckiest of any team ever at the right time

He talked a lot of shit and came up with clutch, piddly singles with maddening frequency. Thanks for ruining our playoff run you piece of trash.

Kevin Youkilis

Take a deep breathe and reflect for a moment. You're right. It's true. A Major League Baseball player actually used that stupid fucking batting stance you see above. I hate Kevin Youkilis for many of the same reasons that I hate Dustin Pedroia. They played on the same teams that won a lot (including a World Series in 2007) and were the nexus of the Boston "gritty, white baseball players with beards" criclejerk that was the bane of my existence. What a bunch of grinders! Putting in professional at-bats! More like casual racism coated in pinetar. Bud, your name is fuckin' stupid.

Rougned Odor

As a sports fan, I try to act like I am above the typical lowbrow, macho brandishing that the rest of the world associates with professional athletics. I read the things that the New Yorker publishes about baseball. I applaud when teams do things to make their environment more inclusive. I distance myself from the intoxication culture imbued in the crowd. I focus on the small subtle things in the game instead of falling prey to gossip-y narratives given to the public by media corporations. That being said, it's also important to recognize that I am part of that world and sometimes you need to lean into it. Roughned Odor is a rat-faced fuck who was a catalyst in the Texas Rangers taking the ALDS to 5 games and got in a fight with my savior, José Bautista and for that I will curse his name until the day I die.

Darren O'Day

The hateful part of my brain has an expressway attached to it which can only be accessed by players who have wronged José Bautista, Josh Donaldson, or Marcus Stroman. It doesn't matter what they have done, I must stand by my boys and support them. Darren O'Day and Jose Bautista have a, admittedly, petty rivalry that started over the former skipping towards the dugout after a strikeout. Since then, José has owned O'Day and the rest of the Orioles, giving me a huge supply of revenge home runs to watch while I laugh and clap my hands. The best rivalries are the ones where your side relentlessly beats down the other side and never loses.

Chipper Jones

The differences between being an American sports fan and a Canadian sports fan are small. The typical American sports outlets, like ESPN and FoxSports, weren't broadcasted in Canada while I was growing up, but we did get TBS, which has traditionally been the home of Atlanta Braves baseball. As a result, the Braves were more or less the only team other than the Blue Jays who I saw on TV. I hated their announcers, I hated their hats, and I hated how good they were in the 90's. At the centre of the team was their Hall of Fame third baseman Chipper Jones who I hated for being good, for being constantly brought up by the TBS team, and for having a good nickname.

Roger Clemens

I only vaguely remember the time when Roger Clemens pitched for the Blue Jays. He was very good! Then he requested a trade and left to play for our bitterest enemies, the New York Yankees. Not only that, but he won two World Series titles right after leaving. He was the perfect storm of being a jerk, being an amazing player, being associated with steroids when I was vehemently against them, and playing for the Yankees. It was impossible not to hate him and I revelled in his defeats.

Jose Cruz Jr.

For the sake of fairness, I thought that I should also include a Blue Jays player who I hate and the first one I thought of was Jose Cruz (Jr.). Cruz was part of the Jays teams that were thoroughly dominated by the Yankees and Red Sox in the late 90's/early 00's and was, in hindsight, a pretty key contributor. For the life of me, I can't explain why I disliked him so much. His numbers were pretty decent and he was a good player on bad teams. Then he got bad as soon as he left Toronto. That wasn't enough for me though, and I hated him purely for his whole time in the city. One game I went to, they gave out free player t-shirts to all kids under 13 in the ballpark. Once I saw they were Cruz t-shirts, I was dismayed and never wore it once.