Lukewarm Coffee Tastes Like Soap

For a long time in my early twenties, I prided myself on maintaining a positive outlook on life because I thought that it helped me make the best of any situation and be more enjoyable to be around. I guess it's also easier to be a more positive person when you are still in school and your biggest problems amount to an essay being due soon or wondering if you'll get the balls to ask out the girl you have a crush on. As much as you might try to be aware of things going on around you and try to maintain a somewhat decent worldview, there's just tons of things you've never experienced and can't relate to for that reason.

Lately I find myself getting really angry at people, things, and the world a lot more often. It's not even something supremely fucked up like the Jian Ghomeshi trial or the West's response to terrorism, I'm just slowly starting to find the world to be this fucked up, unfix-able place and everyone is stupid.  There just seems to be this never-ending of one-upsmanship and bragging and ego and stupidity. I recognize that me saying this kind of constitutes taking part in that, but how else am I to say it?

Not every day is like this. Most days are not like this. I feel like most days I'm able to maintain a good mood. I suppose that increased cynicism is something that develops as you get older. I don't want to be pissed. I don't want to hate most of what I see, but I fucking do.

I generally get sad, restless, and frustrated in the winter, but I wouldn't say that it's to the extent that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so maybe it's that. I try to put up with winter as long as possible, but by February I'm inevitably fed up with it and can no longer cope. Maybe I need baseball to start so that it can serve as a distraction. Maybe I'm directing anger about my dog dying towards this. Who fucking knows.

Christ.

Whenever I get really into an album, I get scared that I might "over-play" it and ruin it. I try to temper my playing of it with breaks. I always end up wondering why I'm listening to in its place doesn't sound quite right, then when I end up going back to whatever record is dominating my listening habits, I realize that nothing else really sounds right at that time.

The album that is currently doing this for me is Fallow by the Weakerthans. I always thought that Left and Leaving was their best output, but feel like a fool for saying that now. Fallow is generally the least-cited among fans and doesn't have any of the "hits" like their later records do, but lord is ever wonderful. There's a sense of youthful yearning, loss, and complacency on every song and I find this extremely relatable at the moment.

Writing all of this out kind of made me feel a little better. Maybe writing more is what I need to squeeze all of these feelings out of myself.

I'll leave you with this great song: