My (Second) (Hopefully) First Semester

Hello, my name is Timothy Chandler and I am a wreck of anxiety because of grad school applications.

When I finished my fourth year of university it became apparent that many of my friends were much more serious about school than others. Some were happy about finishing and tried their best to get adult jobs that would allow them to live on their own. Others got right on applying Master's programs and grad school right away and made it their top priority in their life. At the time the thought of applying for more schooling seemed ludicrous to me, as I thought that my Bachelor of Arts program was plenty for me to handle. I also assumed that my grades would be nowhere near good enough to get me into any post-graduate program.

However, once I started to progress through the fifth and final year of my undergrad and the idea of me finishing and leaving school became very real, I suddenly didn't want to leave. As such, applying to a Master's program was all of a sudden a great idea because I would never have to leave Guelph. I found that I took a lot more interest in my program the further I got into it, so I was the most interested in staying right at the end. By that point it became more a question of "Is there a way for me to keep doing this?" as opposed to "Do I want to keep doing this?"

After I graduated both of my parents (bless their hearts) constantly asked me if I was considering school. I still stuck to the idea that I wouldn't be able to get into any programs. As per usual, Bill and Colleen saw something in me that I didn't and kept the thought in the back of my mind.

As I said in a previous blog, I've been volunteering at a local art gallery for the last few months. Once KWAG posted their summer positions, I noticed that all of them required the applicant to be returning to school in the fall. This made me realize that with only a BA in Art History, I would not be able to procure any type of good employment in my field and also made me think "What the fuck else am I going to do?!" as I'd been working a terrible job in the mean time. I immediately contacted my favourite prof from Guelph (the fabulous Sally Hickson) to inquire about master's programs and, surprise surprise, received positive feedback from her about applying.

So this is all well and good; I feel good about myself for applying and trying to do something to challenge myself, but it is a little nerve-racking. It's mostly that it is such a large step in my life and though everyone I've spoken to about pursuing it has been behind me 100%, I am just over the cut-off and the fear of not getting accepted is doing quite a number on me. I try to find every reason to not work on my application (SURE IS HANDY THAT I DIDN'T DELETE THIS BLOG) and get a bit of a pit in my stomach every time I do things related to it.

But that pit means I'm doing the right thing, doesn't it? It feels the same as when you're nervous about going on a date or nervous before a show. You know that you need to do it, but also know that you need to apply yourself and try hard and put in effort, which can be scary. I find that those type of pits always lead to the best results though, so I guess I'll put my head down, tell the anxiousness festering in my guts to fuck off and try to be the best me I can be.