I Wish I Could Hear What They Say

Since I started university for the third time, something that's been at the forefront of discussions around the school has been "impostor syndrome". Impostor syndrome is the name given to the constant feelings of inadequacy that you feel when you enter a new situation in your life, like you somehow managed to weasel your way into something you feel you aren't qualified for. It's exceptionally pervasive in graduate students, as everyone thinks they aren't as smart as those around them and that the university made a mistake in accepting them.

There's been many times in my life that I've succumbed to impostor syndrome and I had it especially bad during my master's. It sucks, because it can really destroy your work habits and it makes it easy for anxiety to take a shit on your abilities, which are what you got you to where you are in the first place. Since starting my PhD, I've gotten better at trusting my instincts and skills and I haven't really had a problem with impostor syndrome this year.

This may be unique to me, but when things got hard in school, I could kind of lean on IS as a way to explain why it was so tough. Of course this is hard and overwhelming, you don't even deserve to be here you idiot!

Now, what's funny is things getting difficult when I'm confident that I do deserve to be here. I know that I was accepted to the program for a reason, but also know that I'm a little out of my depth with the courses I'm taking. How the fell will I think about what to write about? How do I write capably about a subject I'm relatively new to? How can I get these short, dark, wet, and cold days to fuck off forever?

In some ways, I guess that this is just IS with a new jacket on. Kind of stupid that I can look it square in the face and recognize it, but not do shit about it, right?

I think I'm deep into the part of winter when I can say it's officially gotten to me. Everything is so cold and wet. The sky is an even grey for the entire day and I can't tell where the sun is. I caught a reflection of myself in a car window the other day and I looked so pale and sickly. Everything about the outside is so overbearing and overwhelming and it makes me so sad. People always make light of how much I hate the winter, but it really does shake me to my core and profoundly effect how happy I can be.

I can't tell if it's worse in Montreal than it was in Toronto. People say it's colder and there's more snow, but I'm so miserable that I can't really tell the difference. Was Brandon Drury better than Richard Ureña? Why quibble over two bad things?

Editor's note: I saw Dicky Beisbol walk off the Orioles on pedestrian groundball after Biagini threw 8 innings. He is better.

I'm playing Steel Pulse and The Harder They Come soundtrack to help fight off the gloom, but it's hard. I really need some sun and weather that doesn't wear me down as soon as I'm in it. Everything feels a little off, like I'm a meal that's being prepared in a pan that's too big.